theaspirationalmind.com
Anxiety Explored
How to Stop Worrying so Much
Nurturing Healthy Thinking
It can help to remember that feelings of anxiety are just feelings. A common problem is worrying about feeling anxious which can just feed the anxiety. We can seem to become trapped in ever-increasing worries that may just make our situation seem worse (getting anxious about being anxious).
There is a generalisation about self awareness that can apply here: What we focus on is amplified. When we get into a habit of looking internally for our feelings of anxiety, fear, depression, and so on, we can become more and more aware of having those feelings and so convince ourselves that anxiety/fear/depression is frequent and our fears justified. By an unintended focus on something that is otherwise a normal part of our life's experience we may come to consider ourselves an anxious, fearful, or depressed person. This can even happen as a simple consequence of wanting to support ourselves and can lead to becoming over-sensitive and over-conscerned without unlocking the causes of our discomfort.
The self-care methods and approaches presented here aim to cut this cycle of introspection and reduce our alarm habit that is often at the heart of anxiety.
Language Symptoms
There are some loops of thought that go on in the mind that are exposed by the language that goes with them. When you think things like this or when you hear someone else speaking these words, there is often a thought loop at work.
Have to...
Must...
Should...
Need to...
These are all demands to action, ways that we drive ourselves toward action of one sort or another: "I have to sort myself out", "I need to make sure no-one pushes past me in this queue", "I must pay more attention", and so on.
Demands like these will nearly always come with a matching fear of what will happen if I don't follow the demand. "I have to sort myself out otherwise I'll never get anywhere". "I need to make sure no-one pushes past me in this queue or I'll lose out". "I must pay more attention because if I don't I'll be stuck in this dump forever".
The fear and the demand are closely coupled; the fear drives the demand and the demand highlights and generates the fear. "If I don't sort myself out I'll never get anywhere". "If someone pushes past I'll lose out and be taken for a sucker". "If I don't pay attention I won't progress and I'll get stuck here".
This close coupling is actually a benefit in certain situations as it creates a motivation to do something along with the emotional energy (fear or greed for example) to keep us focussed. Some people become very successful, at least on the outside, by running this sort of 'must succeed' loop.
Much of the time though what is generated is stress along with actions that are of reduced effectiveness at best and may even be unethical or illegal. The tight coupling of this type of loop blinkers us to a single line of action, whether it is appropriate or not, and makes it difficult for us to think about the realities of the issue.
Indecision and Procrastination
There is another way that the mind can get in a whirl which becomes self-limiting and potentially stressful. This is where the string of thoughts is much longer, or there are several loops going at once. In essence these loops involve demands or decisions that seem to be mutually incompatible.
For example: Suppose that I want a new car because my old one is clapped out. I have been to the dealer and pretty much made my mind up about the type that I want. I've got my budget and there are two there that fit my budget, a blue one and a red one. Now I want to make up my mind:
"I like the red one because it is newer and has the more powerful engine."
"I like the blue one because it is cheaper and I can use the money for something else."
"If I pick the red one the car will last longer."
"The blue one is more economical so I'll save over time."
"This is the last time I'll have this much saved up, so I have to make the best choice."
"This is my last chance to get such a new car and the red one could be more reliable than the blue one."
"I don't know. I just can't make up my mind."
"I need to think about it some more."
"I'll have to leave it and come back next week."
This is odd. There are two possible cars that meet my requirement and I've come away unhappy and with nothing ? why?
Almost every line of thought here could be pulled apart word by word and checked for unclear thinking, but let's keep to the demand words as a way to find out why I have not been able to choose:
"...
I have to
make the best choice."
"
I need to
think about it some more."
"
I'll have to
leave it and come back next week."
That first one is basically a self demand to make a perfect choice, to get the best deal, to get the most appropriate option of the two available.
The second two give demands to give up and go home, to fail to choose.
The big problem is actually with the first demand, to make a perfect choice. There is no perfect choice, no best choice. These two cars, like many things in life, offer different benefits and costs and it is not the easy job we demand it be to select between them, particularly as the best choice means a choice that stays the best choice. We try to predict the future; how long the cars will last, how economical they will be, how else we can use our budget, and so on. The simple truth is that we cannot reliably predict the future so we cannot 'make the best choice'. If I can't 'make the best choice' then I may as well give up.
This form of procrastination is very common and is often maintained by two features shown by this example; wanting two or more things that are incompatible or difficult to compare and having a demand to make a perfect or best choice.
Drive to Perfection
Following straight on from looking at procrastination there is another form of mind whirl that can cause problems, and that is perfectionism or the drive to overdo. This fear-based drive is a semi-conscious and repeating attempt to control life so that the fear will not come true. The fear may be fear of failure, or fear of exposure, or fear of loss, or any of a large number of fears. The associated self-demand is to do everything that can be done and do it well.
The internal solution to avoiding risk is to make sure that everything is as it should be, that everything is finished and completed to a high standard, or that everything that is bought or is used is of the highest quality and 'right'. The internal mental loop is based on the idea that by maintaining 'rightness' then the (unconscious) fears are held back.
People who show this behaviour seldom, in my experience, think of themselves as seeking perfection or being driven, they are merely doing what needs to be done. Those around them see it though, and may well suffer from it too.
There are a couple of related ways of being that can be confused with the perfectionist drama though; love of detail, and compulsive disorders.
Love of detail can come from a personality trait rather than a fear. Some people are naturally fascinated by detail and can achieve great things by following that passion. Many artists and scientists spend their lives successfully exploring detail. This can be easy to confuse with a perfectionist drive, and may well co-exist in the same person. The difference is in the source of the behaviour (passion or fear) and in the satisfaction of the experience. Someone who is driven to perfection will tend to experience stress and discomfort whilst the detail-seeker will tend to experience pleasure and release.
Compulsive disorders are a form of illness requiring extended specialist therapy. Here the repeating of particular behaviours has taken over and the link, if ever there was one, to a mental driving loop has been swamped. It may be that the associative mind is over-acting to produce compulsions to repeat behaviour almost regardless of what is going on in real life.
Sleeplessness and Anxiety
On-going feelings of anxiety and interrupted sleep patterns are a common consequence of traumas (individual events or situations that produce strong emotional after-effects) and tough life challenges.
Both of these can be clear symptoms that the mind is stuck and overworking. Our semi-conscious mind is once again stuck in a whirl of fears and projections, trying to find a solution but not succeeding. Each time our mind goes round the loop we are reminded at an emotional level of the fear, which we then experience as discomfort, unease, frustration, and even physically as tension or an unsettled stomach.
Fear-based thinking that results in anxiety is basically fear about the future. We fear that things will get worse, we fear that things won't work out, we fear that we are permanently damaged, we fear that our loved one is in danger, we fear the next sound in the night. The fears may be realistic, though often not, and the plotting and planning that our mind goes through does not calm the fear, it fuels it.
I was due to teach a course some years back and found myself getting very concerned about teaching. This is part of what I uncovered when I listened in to my semi-conscious thinking:
"I don't know what I'm doing so I'm not going to teach well"
"I have to have a clear and specific context when I teach"
"Otherwise I'll be bland and uninteresting"
"I'll be nondescript"
"I have to make sure I'm competent"
"I have to make sure I can't be faulted"
"I have to introduce something new"
"I have to astound and amaze"
"Otherwise people will lose interest"
"I won't teach well"
"I'll be left behind because I'm insignificant and don't know what I'm doing"
Once I had it out I the open I could see how my fear of failure was driving me to over-achieve, to "amaze and astound". I got discomfort from both the fear and the internal command. I knew at some level that I was not able to amaze and astound to order. Indeed that form of teaching would have been inappropriate even if I had been able to instantly develop overpowering charisma and acquire astounding knowledge. I knew that I could not meet this inconsistent and unreasonable demand and so it fed straight back into my fears of inadequacy and hence enlarged my fear of failure.
This internally-driven fear-and-demand cycle produces more fear and anxiety and becomes self-perpetuating; the cycles goes on and on. We get to feel anxious and we get to have troubled and unproductive thoughts.
As the thoughts are not fully conscious they will tend to go on even while we are half asleep and the anxiety will wake us at those times when our sleep is light. Once stuck in a loop we find it harder to get back to sleep and then add worries about sleeping to the mix!
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